An Apology and a Plea to Those Hurt by the Church

In seekers and skeptics posts, I write specifically for those outside of the Christian faith. I know some will be considering the faith, some will be exploring spiritually, and some will come to any consideration of Christian claims with considerable suspicion.  If this describes you at all, I’m glad you’re here. Welcome!

An Apology and a Plea to Those Hurt by and Disillusioned with the Church

Have you been hurt by the Church? Christians have hurt many people. For example, some church leaders violate the high standards of their calling, knowingly using their position to harm others.

There are many other people who have not personally experienced these deep levels of abuse but have, for various reasons, become disillusioned with the Church. For example, the experience of gossip within a congregation can contribute to hurt feelings and disillusionment.

This piece is an inadequate, but sincere attempt to offer an apology and a plea to those of you who have been hurt by the Church or become disillusioned with the Church. I don’t address every sort of situation.

Nor can I address each situation with the depth and dignity they deserve (that your situation deserves). Too often church leaders and church people do not acknowledge these situations unless we are forced to.  

3 Ways People Have been Hurt by the Church

1. They were abused by a Christian.

When a family member, a member of the clergy, or a leader in the Church abuses physically, sexually, spiritually, and or emotionally another human being, made in God’s image, a heinous sin has taken place. People carry deep wounds from these incidents. Not only has the abuser inflicted harm.

The abuser has also damaged the victim’s relationship with the Church and often with God. Ordinarily, a person trying to find healing after a difficult incident in their life could look to their faith community and to God for support.

For those abused by Christians, and especially church leaders, this avenue of healing has at best has been comprised, and in many situations has been cut off entirely. For victims, Church often becomes an unsafe place to be avoided. Faith can become a word devoid of any positive meeting.

♥ If you have experienced something like this, I am so sorry. It was wrong what that person or group of people did to you. They violated the teachings of the Christian faith in their actions toward you. You did not deserve it.

♥If there were legal crimes committed against you, those individuals need to be held legally accountable. They also need to be held accountable by the structures of the Church. They have to answer for what they have done.   

2. They were let down by a Christian leader.

A pastor who yelled at someone in a meeting. A nun who was cruel. A priest who did not visit a loved one in the care home.

There are also “dramatic” letdowns such as when an admired Christian leader falls in a public way, revealing a “double-life” and a behavior of abuse or financial scandal incompatible with the loving and life-giving ways of Jesus Christ. 

 ♥ If you have been let down by a Christian leader, I am so sorry. In terms of scandals there is no excuse for that kind of behavior and what I wrote above under the “abuse” heading applies here. For the more everyday letdowns, these can be tremendously hurtful.

♥ I am sorry you had to go through that. To have that leader not show up or that leader to behave in the way they did. On behalf of all church leaders, I apologize for the letdown you experienced.

3. They experienced the Church negatively.

This is a broad category. Some people experienced churches that were oppressive, judgmental, and harsh. In these settings, people’s experience of Christian faith was not one of mercy, love, and kindness, but of impossibly high standards, cruel judgment, and fearful demands for conformity.

Alternatively, others experienced the Church negatively by getting involved in its leadership structures, becoming unpleasantly surprised at the pettiness of some church politics.

Fights over the color of the carpet, melodramatic power plays between members of the congregation, and hurtful gossip have also caused some to become disillusioned with the Church. There are also those who have been burned out by the Church.

They gave and gave of themselves in various forms of service, leading ministries and serving on committees but received little support or acknowledgment of their important contributions.

 ♥ If you grew up in a church that was harsh, I am so sorry. They failed you by their words and actions. I am also sorry if you’ve been put off by church politics,

♥ If you’ve served the church faithfully but were never properly acknowledged for all that you did for others, I’m so sorry.

A Plea to Those Hurt by The Church

My gentle plea to you is to not let what you experienced in the past rob you of the power of faith in your life or the power of having a loving, albeit imperfect, Christian community in your life.

For those of you who have been abused and deeply wounded these words of mine probably seem an impossibility. Based on your experience you have no reason to trust anyone. You are glad not to be involved in the life of Church.

You have no desire to venture there again. I gently want to suggest there is hope for healing and new life for you. God and the people of God can be part of that. Working through your trauma is a personal journey.

A journey greatly aided and often requiring the help of a professional counselor.

Whether your hurt is at these very deep levels or whether your hurt is more simply disillusionment, let me tentatively offer some first steps. These are tentative suggestions. You know your situation better than I.

These steps may lead to a deepening of your faith, a restoring of your faith, and connecting to a supportive, loving, spiritual community. A faith that supports your healing. A faith that opens new doors and new possibilities for your life.

A community that supports you, appreciates you, and walks with you through life’s highs and lows. None of this is something you have to do. You can say no. You can say not yet. These are simply possibilities.

Some of which, I believe, God hopes for you.

Possibilities

♥ Try prayer. Be honest, “God I don’t know if I want to be talking with you” or “Show me your presence.” Pray a prayer that gave you comfort in the past. Pray it more frequently as feels helpful. You may need to think of God differently to move forward. If God as Father is not helpful, approach God as Mother or God as Light or God as Warmth.

God is infinite and many different images help us approach the many aspects of God. Maybe a return to the church or denomination of your past is appropriate. But it may be necessary to move to a new church or a new denomination.

Perhaps a denomination that shares some of your current values. Maybe instead of showing up to a church as a first step,  you participate virtually.

♥ Maybe when you muster the courage, you go to a large service where you can be anonymous. Maybe you go to a smaller service, that is less overwhelming with people and noise. Maybe you pray that God will send you a spiritual friend or two in your life. Sometimes the first step toward community is friendship.

Maybe you make a phone or in-person appointment with a pastor or spiritual director to ask your questions and to express your doubts and concerns. Maybe you try reading the Bible. Perhaps you explore Christianity.

Maybe you get an icon of Mary. Perhaps you try following the Christian year at home.  When you get involved in serving at at your new church home, set appropriate limits. Practice Sabbath.    

May God bless you and guide you. May you find Peace and Joy.

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